Global Domination

Audio Autopsy - April 2011

01/04/11  ||  Global Domination

Volturyon: Coordinated mutilation

6.6/10

Lord K: To choose the winner of this month’s AA proved to be an easy task. Voltytytrruuiiionnn play death metal the Americanized way with the difference they have some good songs and riffs. I can’t help but to take a huge liking in it and Volttyyyrtrtrtrtryyyooon takes the cake and runs with it, not sharing any of it with their lesser colleagues in this edition. As always, Swedes do it better. 8

InquisitorGeneralis: Sweden has no problem pumping out no-frills death metal. If you like Facebreaker, Ribspreader, Paganizer, Rogga’s Farts, Grave, or Unleashed than this will appeal to your heavily-bludgeoned senses. I like “Coordination Mutilation”, but there is absolutely nothing original or creative going on here. 6

Habakuk: I didn’t know that mixing Cannibal Corpse with Blood Red Throne sounded this good. Focken A, nobodies with the evil computer name! 8

CadenZ: Grinding corpses like a Fisherman’s Friend. Get it? Hehe… get it? Got it? Hehe…? Me neither. But they do sound like Cannibal Corpse. 7

Altmer: What did I just turn on? It sounds like hellfire and brimstone, but not in a pleasant way. Once the band gets grooving it’s all right, but holy fuck do those low cookie monster growls piss me off. Brutal death metal, it is not for me. 4

Ava Inferi: Onyx

5.2/10

Lord K: So this is what the old Mayhem dude is up to these days? Can’t really say that my pants are dropping in awe over any of it, but Rune (that’d be the old Mayhem dude) and his band fire up the occasional decent riff beneath the anonymous, soulless and monotonous female vocals. The talent and opportunity is there to make something good, but still this missile is missing its target. 5

InquisitorGeneralis: What do you get when you mix gothic and doom metal with female vocals and former members of bands like Mayhem and Forgotten Suns? An album that totally fucking blows and is sure to be loved by Lord K. 2

Habakuk: Soon, every opera singer will have her own band supporting her with attempts at epicness, standard riffing and the odd soulless male counterpart. These guys here try the “slow with haunting melodies” approach, but I can definitely think of better things than being haunted by slow opera. 5

CadenZ: Background muzak with some cool riffs. Nothing’s wrong, except I don’t get very excited, but I guess that’s the point with muzak. 6

Altmer: Yeeaaaaaah. The groove in the riffs is enormous. It’s a pity they need some more punch, but they rule all sorts of shit. The chick’s voice is great, the music is great, everything about this album is great. It’s a sort of epic goth/doom kind of thing, a la Draconian and such. I am very much into this. I dig. 8

Crowbar: Sever the wicked hand

5.2/10

Lord K: Kirk and the gang’s been creating some seriously slow and depressing stuff every now and then and I have always been a (somewhat) fan of the guy’s vocals. “Sever the wicked hand” sounds like I remember them, but ultimately adds nothing to my impression. Gotta applaud the guy’s ability to come off with his own style of playing the axe though. 6

InquisitorGeneralis: I like Kirk the guitar player from Down much more than Kirk the frontman of Crowbar. There is some good stuff on here but nothing that is amazingly awesome. Slow, low, heavy as shit, and sometimes a bit boring.5

Habakuk: My first try with Crowbar: Awesome at times, sometimes too dragging. I love how Kirk sounds like Tom Angelripper, though. 7

CadenZ: Why so serious? Did your dog die? Your hamster? Having your period? Craving for some ice cream, wrapped in a blanket on your couch? Wanna suck a dick? 3

Altmer: I don’t get why these Mr Fat Dude Taking a Shit vocals have to be there. When they’re clean and all Alice in Chains-esque groovy, it’s ok, but god, do I hate those hardcore-influenced tough-guy Mr Constipation vocals. The music is some sort of slowed down version of Pantera. I guess it’s like the southern type of groove metal you could find in Texas. Tattooed necks and all that. I don’t think this is for me. 5

Deicide: To hell with god

5.2/10

Lord K: Had Deicide called it quits after “Once upon the penis” they’d been remembered as one of the finest acts in the death metal scene, ever. Now they are just churning out albums for the sake of it, continuing to ruin the legacy they built with the first 4. Santolla’s solos are still massively out of place and you will find no remarkable tunes on “To hell with god”. 5

InquisitorGeneralis: Most new Deicide might suck, but this doesn’t. I like this hateful slab of brutality quite a bit. It is good to hear some blasty Florida style death done well again. 7

Habakuk: Sounds surprisingly thrashy, but loses a lot of steam in the long run. Glen Benton’s vocals are great, and some tracks in the middle of the album are pretty damn convincing, including the Santolla solos even. Still, I wouldn’t call this a relevant effort.6

CadenZ: Lo! More Christ-bashing, mindless bashing and slashing. Behold! Finesse count below zero. And thus, another Deicide album is born. 5

Altmer: To hell with your god-awful drum production, your shitty vocals, and your mediocre death metal. Fuck you think? Hang it up, Glen. If you can’t even be bothered to produce your ALBUMS properly then I can’t be bothered to give you a good, solid grade. 3

Evergrey: Glorious collision

5.2/10

Lord K: With like 90% of the band leaving before this album you’d think Evergrey would be in all kinds of trouble. Not so much, mainman Tom is still running this ship and knows how Evergrey are supposed to sound. So fear not, the cheese is ever-present and so are his emotional (and sometimes quite irritating) vocals. Yeah, the riffs are there as well and all in all this is another quality effort from Evergrey. 6

InquisitorGeneralis: More like EverGAY! Has anyone else made that joke yet? Suffice to say, I hate power metal and when bands like Evergrey mix it with Dream Theatre style progressive elements my hate goes through the fucking roof. No amount of talent can make up for bad, annoying, obnoxious style – which Evergrey has in spades. 3

Habakuk: Newsflash: metal is a diverse genre. Proof: this is very well done, but I don’t like it. So, just regard me as a counterweight to the at least two people in this edition that are almost guaranteed to sing praise above and below my paragraph. 5

CadenZ: The bass sound has a beard. Magic. Professional stuff, this. Quality’s OK, but fuck, guys – I’m doing my best here to focus on the music but it just keeps fading… into the… background… Ooh, a nice guitar solo! And another choruzzzzzz… 5

Altmer: This sounds like an Evergrey album. Some of these tunes are really inspired, as per the usual, but most of the album just isn’t catchy enough. It’s sad that they try so hard, but they always just fail to make the cut for the real classic bands. But they’re a good substitute when you’re just looking for anything that rocks, dark and melodic, no frills. And the opener “Leave it Behind Us” is just a fantastic tune overall. However, this album, just like everything else I’ve heard by them, just is not consistently good enough to rank among the elite. 7

Omnium Gatherum: New world shadows

4.6/10

Lord K: When the opening track’s 9 minutes make you fall asleep, completely bored out of your arsehole, you know it’s time for some Blümchen on the stereo. 3

InquisitorGeneralis: Ium likum thisum melodicum deathum metallum, minusum theum keyboardsum. 6

Habakuk: I could pretty much copy/paste my Evergrey text here. 5

CadenZ: Finnish melodic (death?) metal with some doom influences. Slightly above average. Very slightly. Teeny weeny. String bikini. OK it’s average. 5

Altmer: Hear ye, hear ye! Swallow the Sun (with tempo x 1.5) is back, now with more shitty growls. Man, this would be so much better if they had a good singer… If you’re wondering about the music, it’s melodeath, Finnish style. That means that there is really no reason to listen to this. Just put on the Dark Tranquillity albums in your collection if you want this done well. 4

DevilDriver: Beast

4.6/10

Lord K: I can never let go off the fact that DevilDriver is an incredibly shitty name. These guys aren’t far away from the APM (you should know what this means by now) tag, but somehow they manage to stand on the right side of the fence and not come across as complete idiots. DD can shit out some decent metal at times despite the irritating modern day production. 5

InquisitorGeneralis: Devildriver is a poor man’s Lamb Of God, just like Coal Chamber was a poor man’s Korn. There are a few good moments on “Beast” but too much of this is caught in the netherworld between thrash metal, metalcore, and melodic death metal. 4

Habakuk: Professional and skilled execution, sick production, aggressive demeanor and still, it’s ultimately boring. DevilDriver haven’t changed one bit. 5

CadenZ: Good job, first riff of the first song: total Meshuggah rip-off. Facepalm deluxe. Not all is lost though, this Amero-metal is groovier than most of their wanna-be tough brethren, but that doesn’t count for much, does it? 4

Altmer: I don’t care about this album. That’s really all there is to say about it, since it’s some sort of metal, it has vocals, and it’s pretty loud. It exists. I need more than existence for me to like an album though. So DevilDriver can go away. 5

Darkest Hour: The human romance

4.4/10

Lord K: This American Plague Metal bullshit bores me so much my cock just exploded and spread its parts all over Sweden. Absolutely useless and without any identity whatsoever. This genre must be deleted. By any means necessary. 2

InquisitorGeneralis: Metalcore that focuses on good guitar playing and melodies instead of tough-guy breakdowns can be good. Darkest Hour is an example of this. 7

Habakuk: For some reason, I was expecting something completely different than this melodic, well, hardcore, almost? Yeah, almost. Hardcore sound with metal songwriting maybe? No, I don’t want to say metalcore, as this lacks the gay, clean vocals. Overall, it does get a bit same-y and their Latin skills could use some improvement (“Terra Nocturnus”), but there is some light even in the ba-doom-tish! – darkest hour. Some songs actually hit the mark. 6

CadenZ: Darkest Penis, your modern-day sob story doesn’t deserve a better comment than this: 2

Altmer: I have the feeling this stuff is a poor man’s Lamb of God. The vocals are really bad, too. I was expecting metalcore, but there’s not too much of that breakdown stuff floating around. Here and there you see it, but it’s not moronic. If they got a bit better at writing catchy tunes then I could see them being a metal hit, but for now they miss the boat. 5

Destruction: Day of reckoning

4.4/10

Lord K: The butcher would be mad at this. Go read Altmer’s first sentence, which explains shit perfectly well, and save me some time. 4

InquisitorGeneralis: Destruction set the bar too high with “The Anti-Christ” ten years ago. This is not bad thrash at all, but nothing on here is incredibly fucking amazing. Good riffs and drumming are all over the place here, but inspiration is tough to find. 6

Habakuk: More modern-day Exodus! This has very few of the things that make me enjoy thrash metal. I give it to Mike Sifringer that he still writes good riffs, but in the end this is another overproduced testimony of the fact that the old days are over. 5

CadenZ: One of the most one-dimensional drumming performances in thrash metal history, accompanying a total lack of killer riffs. I am disappoint. 3

Altmer: New thrash metal releases should be forbidden. Nobody does it as well as they did in the 80’s and half of them sucked even back then. If I want this, I’ve got fucking Slayer and Testament lined up any day of the week. I don’t need this. 4

Cauldron: Burning fortune

4.0/10

Lord K: If Benedictum’s got a girl who sounds like a dude, Cauldron’s got a dude who sounds like a drunk chick. This is some seriously crappy old school metal from Canada. Just becoz you try to look it doesn’t mean you can pull it off. 2

InquisitorGeneralis: You know it’s bad when you are a knock-off of a failed band like Anvil, but that is exactly what fellow canucks Cauldron are. There is no need to listen to retro-NWOBHM sounding music when the real deal is still 1000% times better. Cauldron doesn’t suck completely, but they are a long way away from being anything I’ll ever give a shit about. 4

Habakuk: Def Leppard are back, now Canadians, and have rediscovered metal. Fine by me, but was that really the coolest wheel rim you could dig up? And let’s not even start with the chick. Not an Angel Witch, nooooot an Angel Witch! 7

CadenZ: One of the most over-hyped bands of the last year don’t fare well in the Jaws of Justice aka Teeth of Truth aka My Penis. Go give some poor homeless bastards a few blowjobs, you’ll probably do better with that than with writing and performing quality heavy metal. 2

Altmer: Redundant 80’s metal. One of those albums that make you ask: why, exactly? What is the point of listening to this? I have old Iron Maiden albums if I want this. Nobody needs this shit. It’s not bad, but it’s so fucking useless in the long run. 5

Total Fucking Destruction: Hater

3.8/10

Lord K: I hate joke metal. Especially when it fucken blows so much everyone who hears it gets bald in the process. 2

InquisitorGeneralis: There are some good, head-bang inducing moments on here. “Hater” is not the worst grind I have ever heard, but it is still nothing special. “Dudehammer”, though, is a great song title. 5

Habakuk: Entertaining and chaotic grind. How refreshing, after all this shit. Repeat repeatedly! Repeat repeatedly! 8

CadenZ: A total fucking disaster is not far away. And hey, here’s a better title for your album: “Penis”. When I think of it, that’s a better moniker for your little orchestra as well. 3

Altmer: This album needs to be totally fucking destroyed. 1

Benedictum: Dominion

3.6/10

Lord K: I have seen something about this frontwoman being the next big thing with her powerful vocal chords. She’s described as a phenomenon and bla bla… Well, not so much. If the goal is to sound like a irritating dude with early Warrel Dane vibes (only not nearly as good) – well, mission accomplished. I prefer females to sound like females though, so it’s not really hitting home with me. Benedictum’s weakly arranged and executed heavy metal with layers of keyboards is unfortunately quite shit. Peak moment? They have a song called “At the gates”. At least that’s something. 3

InquisitorGeneralis: And the shit just keeps on flowing. “Bang” might be the worst song I have ever heard and that is saying something after you have gone a few rounds on the Audio Autopsy rotation. If you have any interesting in female fronted power rock/metal then by all means check out Benedictum. After that, please go fucking shoot yourself. 1

Habakuk: Tina Turner is off coke and playing metal in a drum computer band (Volturyon 3000, is that you?). What was wrong with coke anyway? Just “GRIIIIINNNDD IIIIIT”… 3

CadenZ: Hey Boner-dick-cum, Nevermore called and said they want their anus back. So they can shit out a new album of their own. 4

Altmer: Why did I expect death metal? Wasn’t there another band called Benedictum? Or am I just fucken deluded? What I get is heavy metal with some cool sounding industrial influences, some 80’s style banshee vocals, lots of solos and good riffing. The vocals are good but not entirely my thing (they grate a bit), but this is mostly an all right album. Bonus points for the awesome Rush cover at the end, complete with Geddy Lee vox. 7

Turisas: Stand up and fight

3.4/10

Lord K: Not only do these idiots look like a bunch of fucken retards, they also play some medieval bullshit metal kind of shit. Shit. You’d think it must suck the largest of asses, which it does, but every now and then this makes me think of the movie “Braveheart”, and I like “Braveheart”. Turisas on the other hand is a bunch of fucken retarded people in role play drag who should be let nowhere near a studio ever again. And who the fuck sings about “tails between your legs” anyways? Just wow. Grandiose? More like grandi-ASS! Thank you, I am here all year. 2

InquisitorGeneralis: I’d rather listen to the sound of a thousand Finnish dudes fucking a herd of goats and reindeer than another second of this folk-metal crap. Are there violins on here? Or hurdy gurdies? Or Humppa trolls? I really don’t like this stuff because it sounds stupid as fucking hell. 2

Habakuk: Seriously, how often have we heard the circus keyboards/fake folk/Russian Red Army Choir/galloping horse/idiot trombone/movie soundtrack combination now? “But it’s great drinking met-” FUCK YOU. 3

CadenZ: Painting your face half red, half black is totally sane. Especially if it helps you become humongously big in mid-Europe, where the moneys grow. Listening to this with a straight face, on the other hand, is not sane in the least. Too fucken trite, cunts. 4

Altmer: “The Varangian way” is better. If you don’t like that album, then just forget about Turisas altogether since they’re a sympho-folk metal band. I really shouldn’t like this bombastic music, but I take a liking in it more than I’m willing to admit. But still – their previous album is way better. And that doesn’t spell much good for this one. 6